- I was driving to work yesterday when I heard the sound of an ambulance siren. I had to pull over to the side of the street to let it pass. As it did, a wave of sadness swept over me and I began to cry. How many times had one made a visit to my home? And then I remembered following an ambulance that last final time. It's these little moments of reality that knock me back a step or two.
- Sleep has once again taken a new turn. I find myself staying up until unbelievable hours of the morning. And, when I finally do force myself into bed, my mind won't shut off and I realize I'm thinking about the oddest things - things I haven't thought about for years or just playing things over and over in my mind. It was on one of these nights that I realized that my relationship with Joe was exactly eight years from the time we met until the time of his death.
- I have come to realize how insensitive people can be sometimes when it comes to death - more exactly the insensitivity of what people have said to me. And the most hurtful things have more than often come from some family members.
- I don't share my feelings with others like I used to. I am trying to move on inwardly when I feel my loss and sorrow. I've done so much reading about grief since Joe's passing. I've done lots of praying. I've been trying to understand how I should be healing and reacting and as far as I can tell, I'm normal?
Monday, November 19, 2012
It's Friday night. I walked into the house tonight and it's almost like I'm standing at one end of a very long, dimly lit hall. The weekend looms like something to be dreaded, yet wanted at the same time. I could most likely call someone and suggest going out to dinner or a movie or have someone come over, but then I've been nice and cheery to people all day, all week. I'm emotionally spent, It's hard during the work week because though my heart still can still break and ache at the most inopportune times, I have to keep my emotions in check...I'm a professional, I'm paid to do a job and honestly the job is what has kept my functioning as a "normal" person.
During the week, I think of all the things I'd like to get down over the weekend. I have my list of things to accomplish, but it can be left on the counter and nothing get checked off. I have things I want to do...apparently later than sooner. I have a burning desire to puts thoughts to paper since my head seems on the verge of over-flowing with things I need, that I want to express. But, I don't get it done. If I do start writing something, I generally become overcome with grief that all I can do is sit and sob.
I want, I need to get on with living a "normal" life. I want, I need to start reading books again. I want, I need to find something to help fill my time, something to make me feel fulfilled. I want, I need something to bring some creativity, some joy back into my life so that it all becomes as natural as breathing.
It's the quietness of the house that gets to me sometimes. The quietness is both a curse and a blessing. There is such a loneliness without Joe. There is the loss of knowing I don't hear his voice and see him. There is the loss of planned daycations, of shared experiences and memories.
When I make it through Friday night and all day Saturday, then Sunday becomes so very difficult. I used to look forward to going to church with Joe. He always looked so good, smelled so wonderful and I loved being able to sit together and hold hands. Now it's sometimes a very painful experience because of those memories.
I know that in time things will become easier. I know that my Heavenly Father does not want me to continue to cry and hurt. Unfortunately, that time has not yet arrived.
During the week, I think of all the things I'd like to get down over the weekend. I have my list of things to accomplish, but it can be left on the counter and nothing get checked off. I have things I want to do...apparently later than sooner. I have a burning desire to puts thoughts to paper since my head seems on the verge of over-flowing with things I need, that I want to express. But, I don't get it done. If I do start writing something, I generally become overcome with grief that all I can do is sit and sob.
I want, I need to get on with living a "normal" life. I want, I need to start reading books again. I want, I need to find something to help fill my time, something to make me feel fulfilled. I want, I need something to bring some creativity, some joy back into my life so that it all becomes as natural as breathing.
It's the quietness of the house that gets to me sometimes. The quietness is both a curse and a blessing. There is such a loneliness without Joe. There is the loss of knowing I don't hear his voice and see him. There is the loss of planned daycations, of shared experiences and memories.
When I make it through Friday night and all day Saturday, then Sunday becomes so very difficult. I used to look forward to going to church with Joe. He always looked so good, smelled so wonderful and I loved being able to sit together and hold hands. Now it's sometimes a very painful experience because of those memories.
I know that in time things will become easier. I know that my Heavenly Father does not want me to continue to cry and hurt. Unfortunately, that time has not yet arrived.
I cried myself to sleep last night. That was the first time in quite awhile that that has happened. I think I am evolving into a new phase of my grieving process. I haven't really stopped crying since the day Joe died. I only take vacations from it. I may go for a few days before I really have a good cry or I may have tears well up, but this crying last night was different.
For the last two weekends, I've had the opportunity for some contemplative thinking. It's all been hinging on the downloading of pictures and sorting through paperwork, etc. I had no where that I needed to be the previous weekend, so that gave me two whole days for this to take place and it was mental torture. Mental torture in the sense that it brought out feelings I hadn't had to face in either several weeks or never. This weekend, I'd kept myself so busy in order that this wouldn't be repeated, but those feelings hit me again yesterday.
I miss Joe. Simply said I miss Joe so badly at times. I really missed him last night after crawling into bed after my nightly prayer. This was the first time I'd cried myself to sleep in a long time. The longing to snuggle up behind him or have him come up behind me and cradle my head as he wrapped his arms around me was so very strong last night. And it hurt to know it can't happen anymore and it brings such pain to my heart. I just wish I could cradle his head between my hands and kiss that sweet face and see him smile. Even writing about it now, I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and can hardly swallow because of the lump in my throat.
This is a different type of crying. I think my mind is finally coming to terms and realization that this is a permanent. I originally cried because of the shock, the horror, the nightmarish circumstances. Now I think it's the realization of the permanence of knowing Joe is gone.
For the last two weekends, I've had the opportunity for some contemplative thinking. It's all been hinging on the downloading of pictures and sorting through paperwork, etc. I had no where that I needed to be the previous weekend, so that gave me two whole days for this to take place and it was mental torture. Mental torture in the sense that it brought out feelings I hadn't had to face in either several weeks or never. This weekend, I'd kept myself so busy in order that this wouldn't be repeated, but those feelings hit me again yesterday.
I miss Joe. Simply said I miss Joe so badly at times. I really missed him last night after crawling into bed after my nightly prayer. This was the first time I'd cried myself to sleep in a long time. The longing to snuggle up behind him or have him come up behind me and cradle my head as he wrapped his arms around me was so very strong last night. And it hurt to know it can't happen anymore and it brings such pain to my heart. I just wish I could cradle his head between my hands and kiss that sweet face and see him smile. Even writing about it now, I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and can hardly swallow because of the lump in my throat.
This is a different type of crying. I think my mind is finally coming to terms and realization that this is a permanent. I originally cried because of the shock, the horror, the nightmarish circumstances. Now I think it's the realization of the permanence of knowing Joe is gone.
Just Let Me Cry
“Just Let Me Cry” by Hilary Weeks
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We’re not just tossed by the wind,
or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected.
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.
When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under...
I dig my heels in deep,
and I fight to keep my ground.
Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger.
And there’s nothing I can do but let out...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
So just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.
When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me.
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...
And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.
But for now...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see but the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
So, just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We’re not just tossed by the wind,
or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected.
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.
When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under...
I dig my heels in deep,
and I fight to keep my ground.
Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger.
And there’s nothing I can do but let out...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
So just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.
When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me.
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...
And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.
But for now...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see but the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
So, just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.
I have felt joy,
the kind that makes my heart want to sing.
And so my tears are not a surrender,
I’ll feel that way again.
But for now...
For this moment...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry
the kind that makes my heart want to sing.
And so my tears are not a surrender,
I’ll feel that way again.
But for now...
For this moment...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry
When I listened to this song and read the words, the tears started flowing and kept coming accompanied by deep sobbing. Those sobs that come from deep in the soul – the ones I keep thinking I'm done with.
Will this keep happening forever? Will I ever be done with the grieving? I don’t know. But I hope that each time I weep, I am healing.
So, whenever I need to, please just let me cry.
The Calvary Arrived
Wednesday - The kids arrived around 2:00 a.m. and it was so wonderful seeing them walk into the front door. I think it was at that time that I felt I could truly begin grieving because someone else was there to make decisions. In all honesty, I don't remember much about that Wednesday. I just remember people and food arriving and that's about it. I think that initial preparations were beginning to be made about some type of service for Joe.
The biggest thing I do remember from that day was Corey and I going to the funeral home to make arrangements for Joe. I think I wrote all about that in an earlier blog. It was just such a blessing having the details handled by a worthy member of the church who understood my desires and needs for the burial.
Thursday - This day is a fog also except I do remember going to the Social Security office with Nikki. I'm so glad so was with me so she could explain things to me later. I think it was sometime on this day that one of the most special things for me took place. Since Joe was going to be cremated all of his temple clothing was going to be placed with him since he body could not be dressed due to all of the harvesting of tissue and bones. Since I had no temple clothing for Joe, the stake graciously provided that for us, as well as tissue paper and ribbon. I had asked Corey and Nikki if they would please be the ones to prepare the temple packet for Joe while I observed. They agreed and before they began, we all knelt for a prayer around the ottoman. Then, I sat on the couch and watched them lovingly, reverently, respectfully prepare the packet of clothing. What a beautiful moment in time that was. And then, they took and delivered it to the funeral home.
Friday - Brian, Amy and Rachel, Elaine, Lauren and Claire arrived from Cincinnati, Ohio after traveling since Tuesday. They took me to lunch which was so nice as it had been about 7 years since I had seen them. In fact, Claire was not even born at that time. Joe and I had stopped by to visit with them when we were on our honeymoon in Indiana where they lived at the time.
Lunch and the wonderful company was so nice. I was so glad that Brian had come and brought the family although I had tried to dissuade them. I knew I wasn't going planning a funeral program at that time and knowing the time and expense it would take for them to come, I didn't want to cause them any inconvenience. I'd spoken to Brian many times on the phone over the course of my marriage and had thoroughly enjoyed doing so, but Joe and Brian had a very strained relationship and spoke very little. Very little until the last few months of Joe's life. I don't know exactly what happened years ago, but my heart always hurt because they were missing out on the opportunity of being able to have a great relationship. I do know that Joe was so very sorry that he and Brian didn't have a great father/son camaraderie. So, I was so happy when Brian and his entire family showed up. They were a great comfort to me and it was wonderful for me to observe some healing between my kids and Brian and hopefully for Brian a better sense of hearing and seeing how much his father was loved by so many people. (We've never heard anything else from Joe's other son, Jason, to this day).
The most special event of the day was when Corey and Brian both went to the funeral home to pick up the box of Joe's ashes. I thought it was quite appropriate that both of my sons went to do one last act of love for Joe. It was so very strange to have Joe returned home in a rectangular black box. He now sits on a bookcase shelf in the living room now.
I genuinely love Brian. He reminds me so much of his father, with his looks, his voice and his temperment.
The biggest thing I do remember from that day was Corey and I going to the funeral home to make arrangements for Joe. I think I wrote all about that in an earlier blog. It was just such a blessing having the details handled by a worthy member of the church who understood my desires and needs for the burial.
Thursday - This day is a fog also except I do remember going to the Social Security office with Nikki. I'm so glad so was with me so she could explain things to me later. I think it was sometime on this day that one of the most special things for me took place. Since Joe was going to be cremated all of his temple clothing was going to be placed with him since he body could not be dressed due to all of the harvesting of tissue and bones. Since I had no temple clothing for Joe, the stake graciously provided that for us, as well as tissue paper and ribbon. I had asked Corey and Nikki if they would please be the ones to prepare the temple packet for Joe while I observed. They agreed and before they began, we all knelt for a prayer around the ottoman. Then, I sat on the couch and watched them lovingly, reverently, respectfully prepare the packet of clothing. What a beautiful moment in time that was. And then, they took and delivered it to the funeral home.
Friday - Brian, Amy and Rachel, Elaine, Lauren and Claire arrived from Cincinnati, Ohio after traveling since Tuesday. They took me to lunch which was so nice as it had been about 7 years since I had seen them. In fact, Claire was not even born at that time. Joe and I had stopped by to visit with them when we were on our honeymoon in Indiana where they lived at the time.
Lunch and the wonderful company was so nice. I was so glad that Brian had come and brought the family although I had tried to dissuade them. I knew I wasn't going planning a funeral program at that time and knowing the time and expense it would take for them to come, I didn't want to cause them any inconvenience. I'd spoken to Brian many times on the phone over the course of my marriage and had thoroughly enjoyed doing so, but Joe and Brian had a very strained relationship and spoke very little. Very little until the last few months of Joe's life. I don't know exactly what happened years ago, but my heart always hurt because they were missing out on the opportunity of being able to have a great relationship. I do know that Joe was so very sorry that he and Brian didn't have a great father/son camaraderie. So, I was so happy when Brian and his entire family showed up. They were a great comfort to me and it was wonderful for me to observe some healing between my kids and Brian and hopefully for Brian a better sense of hearing and seeing how much his father was loved by so many people. (We've never heard anything else from Joe's other son, Jason, to this day).
The most special event of the day was when Corey and Brian both went to the funeral home to pick up the box of Joe's ashes. I thought it was quite appropriate that both of my sons went to do one last act of love for Joe. It was so very strange to have Joe returned home in a rectangular black box. He now sits on a bookcase shelf in the living room now.
I genuinely love Brian. He reminds me so much of his father, with his looks, his voice and his temperment.
Journey Of Grief - Guilt
The experts say...When someone you care about dies, it's natural to consider the "if-only's" or "what-if''s". You may also feel guilty if a part of you feels relief - common after extended illnesses or caregiving. While these feelings of guild or regret are natural, they are sometimes not logical to those around you. But remember - thinking is logical; feeling is not.
I went through my own list of "if-only's" and "what-if's". I still think of them from time to time, but have found a certain amount of relief and understanding since I attended the temple last month. I felt so strongly that I needed to be in the temple as soon as possible for so many reasons. Before attending the temple, I felt it very necessary to fast for answers and strength that I knew would only come from temple attendance. I didn't know exactly what I realistically wanted as an answer to my prayers until a conversation with Derek that morning after he was told I wouldn't be eating chocolate chip pancakes that morning.
Derek: "Grandma why are you fasting?"
Me: "Well, let me think about that".
And Derek was off playing before I answered. But, it did make me think of my reason which I felt was - I wanted to be forgiven of the things I felt guilty for regarding Joe. I wanted forgiveness for the way I treated him at times. I wanted forgiveness for the nasty names I sometimes called him. I wanted forgiveness for the inpatience I felt sometimes. I wanted forgiveness for not treating him with more love. And the list went on and on. Those feelings were being compounded with all of the "if-only's" and "what-if's".
Those "if-only's" and "what-if's" included things like:
No one ever know what it's like or will ever understand what it's like to make a decision where someone's life literally hangs in your hands unless you actually have to do so.
I was hoping against hope that because Joe had been given a priesthood blessing and he'd always pulled through before, that my faith would be strong enough that he would be able to be rescitated and eventually go home with me. I saw that hope slipping by minute by minute until the decision was put in my hands. How do you let someone that you love slip away? How do you know if you are making the right decision? How do you know that some type of miracle won't take place?
I only know that when I gave the "okay" to have the life support removed from him, that it was only a matter of minutes until he took his last breath and stopped breathing. And, I will always remember how at peace Joe looked.
----------------------------------------------------
I'd hold you and listen
And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink.
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I'd just let the phone ring.
The I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.
I'd memorize every detail of you face.
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
I wouldn't let excuses get in the way.
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.
I went through my own list of "if-only's" and "what-if's". I still think of them from time to time, but have found a certain amount of relief and understanding since I attended the temple last month. I felt so strongly that I needed to be in the temple as soon as possible for so many reasons. Before attending the temple, I felt it very necessary to fast for answers and strength that I knew would only come from temple attendance. I didn't know exactly what I realistically wanted as an answer to my prayers until a conversation with Derek that morning after he was told I wouldn't be eating chocolate chip pancakes that morning.
Derek: "Grandma why are you fasting?"
Me: "Well, let me think about that".
And Derek was off playing before I answered. But, it did make me think of my reason which I felt was - I wanted to be forgiven of the things I felt guilty for regarding Joe. I wanted forgiveness for the way I treated him at times. I wanted forgiveness for the nasty names I sometimes called him. I wanted forgiveness for the inpatience I felt sometimes. I wanted forgiveness for not treating him with more love. And the list went on and on. Those feelings were being compounded with all of the "if-only's" and "what-if's".
Those "if-only's" and "what-if's" included things like:
- what if we'd been at our home instead of the Sleep Inn? The EMT's would have gotten to us faster.
- what if they'd gotten to us faster? Would that have made a difference in Joe's survival?
- what if we hadn't gone away for the weekend? Did being out in the heat make a difference in him having a heart attack?
- had Joe called out before I heard him? Had I not heard him if he did?
- what if I hadn't taken him off life support? Would he have recovered afterall?
- did I give him his insulin the evening before? Did that contribute to the heart attack?
- what if I'd taken Joe to the doctor earlier about his atrial fibrillation? Did that hasten the heart attack or cause it?
- and the biggest "if-only" and "what-if'" of all for me, was "what if" I hadn't taken B.J. outside to use the bathroom? "What if" I'd come back into the hotel room just a couple of minutes earlier"? "What if" I'd done CPR on Joe? I was trained, but never got the opportunity to use it.
No one ever know what it's like or will ever understand what it's like to make a decision where someone's life literally hangs in your hands unless you actually have to do so.
I was hoping against hope that because Joe had been given a priesthood blessing and he'd always pulled through before, that my faith would be strong enough that he would be able to be rescitated and eventually go home with me. I saw that hope slipping by minute by minute until the decision was put in my hands. How do you let someone that you love slip away? How do you know if you are making the right decision? How do you know that some type of miracle won't take place?
I only know that when I gave the "okay" to have the life support removed from him, that it was only a matter of minutes until he took his last breath and stopped breathing. And, I will always remember how at peace Joe looked.
----------------------------------------------------
If I Only Had Today"
It seems like I've watched a million sunsets
And stared at a thousand full moons.
Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever
And sometimes it all feels brand new.
I could never count the heartbeats
From the day I was born until now.
But not a single one goes unnoticed
By Him who breathes life in me somehow.
But if there were no more tomorrows
If I knew that I could not stay.
I know how I'd spend every moment
If only I had today.
It seems like I've watched a million sunsets
And stared at a thousand full moons.
Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever
And sometimes it all feels brand new.
I could never count the heartbeats
From the day I was born until now.
But not a single one goes unnoticed
By Him who breathes life in me somehow.
But if there were no more tomorrows
If I knew that I could not stay.
I know how I'd spend every moment
If only I had today.
I'd hold you and listen
And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink.
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I'd just let the phone ring.
The I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.
I'd wake up before the sun did
And I'd watch as you quietly sleep.
I'd pray for time to move slowly
Knowing the moment won't keep.
All the gifts that Heaven has given
Every blessing that's come my way.
Wouldn't mean anything without you.
And I'd watch as you quietly sleep.
I'd pray for time to move slowly
Knowing the moment won't keep.
All the gifts that Heaven has given
Every blessing that's come my way.
Wouldn't mean anything without you.
So if I only had today.
I'd hold you and listenI'd memorize every detail of you face.
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
I wouldn't let excuses get in the way.
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.
Last Daycation - Day 4
This day began with Joe going to have breakfast with Roger and Connie while I showered and packed up our belongings.
We then kissed and hugged all goodbye and headed back to Casper where we passed this interesting car on the interstate.
One of the most important archaeological sites of the Late-Prehistoric Plains Indians. Discovered during the construction of Highway I-90 in the early 1970's, the Vore site is a natural sinkhole that was used as a bison trap from about 1500 to 1800 A.D.
Buffalo were driven over the edge of the sink hole as a method for the Native American tribes to procure the large quantities of meat and hides needed to survive the harsh prairie winters.
After getting off the interstate near Gillette, we came across a large herd of buffalo. The 65,000 acres which comprise Durham Ranch has sustained bison since the early 1960’s. The original bison at the Durham ranch came directly from Yellowstone National Park, making this herd very unique indeed.
Durham Ranch presently has about 2,500 purebred American Bison with 1,200 breeder cows. The cows average 1,050 pounds and show an annual calf crop of 90 to 95 percent. The bulls weigh around 1,800 to more than 2,000 pounds at 5 to 6 years of age. The calves are born in April and May, weighing about sixty pounds
We pulled over by the side of the road and leaned up against the car and watched the herd move for probably 20-25 minutes. They were so fascinating to watch, especially the babies.
And, then we headed back to Casper where I checked Joe and B.J. back into the hotel since we were not going to be able to get back into our home until the next day.
I went to the house, put furniture back into place, straightened up and vacuumed the carpet for a couple of hours. Then I stopped by and picked up hamburgers and a Frostie for Joe. We were both so tired that I don't even remember that we hugged or kissed each other, but rather just fell asleep in our individual beds until the nightmare began the next morning at 4:30 a.m.
We then kissed and hugged all goodbye and headed back to Casper where we passed this interesting car on the interstate.
One of the most important archaeological sites of the Late-Prehistoric Plains Indians. Discovered during the construction of Highway I-90 in the early 1970's, the Vore site is a natural sinkhole that was used as a bison trap from about 1500 to 1800 A.D.
Buffalo were driven over the edge of the sink hole as a method for the Native American tribes to procure the large quantities of meat and hides needed to survive the harsh prairie winters.
After getting off the interstate near Gillette, we came across a large herd of buffalo. The 65,000 acres which comprise Durham Ranch has sustained bison since the early 1960’s. The original bison at the Durham ranch came directly from Yellowstone National Park, making this herd very unique indeed.
Durham Ranch presently has about 2,500 purebred American Bison with 1,200 breeder cows. The cows average 1,050 pounds and show an annual calf crop of 90 to 95 percent. The bulls weigh around 1,800 to more than 2,000 pounds at 5 to 6 years of age. The calves are born in April and May, weighing about sixty pounds
We pulled over by the side of the road and leaned up against the car and watched the herd move for probably 20-25 minutes. They were so fascinating to watch, especially the babies.
And, then we headed back to Casper where I checked Joe and B.J. back into the hotel since we were not going to be able to get back into our home until the next day.
I went to the house, put furniture back into place, straightened up and vacuumed the carpet for a couple of hours. Then I stopped by and picked up hamburgers and a Frostie for Joe. We were both so tired that I don't even remember that we hugged or kissed each other, but rather just fell asleep in our individual beds until the nightmare began the next morning at 4:30 a.m.
Last Daycation - Day 2
We got up Saturday morning and headed towards Custer State Park for a day of exploring. First we went through Wind Cave National Park and the first thing we encountered were buffalo.
Joe was in awe of the huge fresh buffalo patty
One time we were completely surrounded by a herd of buffalo with lots of babies...
We drove high into the clouds...
When you drive through this tunnel, Mt. Rushmore is framed by the stone.
Joe was in awe of the huge fresh buffalo patty
One time we were completely surrounded by a herd of buffalo with lots of babies...
When you drive through this tunnel, Mt. Rushmore is framed by the stone.
Last Daycation - Day 1
I am trying to learn death's lessons and surely one of the things I've learned is that life is a gift. Our last weekend together - our last daycation together - was such a gift in so many, many ways.
Joe and I left for South Dakota on May 25th. We were going to spend the weekend in the Black Hills of South Dakota exploring and then head even further east to Badlands National Park and Wall Drug. These two places had been on our list to visit since our move to Wyoming,
He went to dialysis that morning and I went to work and when his session was complete, we headed north of what would be our last "daycation" together. (Only a few days before we left did we learn that Roger and Connie would also be in that same area and we might have the opportunity of meeting up with them. They were supposed to come stay at our home the following Monday, but this might give us the chance to spend more time with them. Roger was Joe's best friend for the last million years and Connie is Roger's girlfriend for the last many years).
Anyway Joe and I drove to Hot Springs, South Dakota that afternoon. It was about 2 1/2 hours from our home and a lovely old, little town. We stayed in a cute little, "mom and pop" motel and ate at one of the local restaurants having prime rib and all the fixings for $10.95 each. What a deal and what a meal for us. Our purpose for staying here was to go visit the Wooly Mammoth Site the next morning. In 1974, a construction worker, George Hanson, unearthed unusual bones while the area was being prepared for a new subdivision.
The weather looked quite ominous at times, but we always seemed to be either in front of it or it had already passed over us
Made it South Dakota. This is Joe's response to "smile". The silver object around his neck was a device connected with his hearing aids. It could cut out background noise and also worked as a volume control.
We talked about how Derek would love this train and the others we saw at Siding 7.
One of the old buildings in Hot Springs...
After dinner we drove around this picturesque town and decided that there was just too much to see and that we'd come back another weekend to explore the area. Called Minnekahta (warm waters) by the original white settlers in 1879, the town's name was changed to Hot Springs in 1886. Earlier, the Lakota and the Cheyenne Indian tribes fought for control of the natural warm waters. Legends tell of a hostile encounter waged in the hills high above the gurgling springs on a peak called Battle Mountain.
A Messenger arrived from the Great West with news of a wonderful water which, he said, had been touched by the finger of the Great Spirit and would cure all manner of diseases. Indians came to these springs by the thousands.
After a lapse of more than 200 years, the Cheyenne took possession of the springs and built an immense tipi city covering hundreds of acres.
In the following years, the Sioux migrated west and disputed the ownership of the springs. This culminated in a fierce conflict in about 1869, the memory of which is preserved in the name of the eminence to the east, Battle Mountain, where the besieged Cheyenne established fortifications. The Sioux won the battle and possession of the springs which they called wi-wi-la-kah-to (Springs - hot). They called the area Minnekahta (Water - hot) and termed the Black Hills a great "Medicine Home".
Battle Mountain History After the Battle Mountain fight, tradition says the Sioux and Cheyenne agreed to allow the springs to be a health sanctuary to give their sick and lame the benefit of the healing waters. Around 1880, pioneers began to settle the area.
Joe and I left for South Dakota on May 25th. We were going to spend the weekend in the Black Hills of South Dakota exploring and then head even further east to Badlands National Park and Wall Drug. These two places had been on our list to visit since our move to Wyoming,
He went to dialysis that morning and I went to work and when his session was complete, we headed north of what would be our last "daycation" together. (Only a few days before we left did we learn that Roger and Connie would also be in that same area and we might have the opportunity of meeting up with them. They were supposed to come stay at our home the following Monday, but this might give us the chance to spend more time with them. Roger was Joe's best friend for the last million years and Connie is Roger's girlfriend for the last many years).
Anyway Joe and I drove to Hot Springs, South Dakota that afternoon. It was about 2 1/2 hours from our home and a lovely old, little town. We stayed in a cute little, "mom and pop" motel and ate at one of the local restaurants having prime rib and all the fixings for $10.95 each. What a deal and what a meal for us. Our purpose for staying here was to go visit the Wooly Mammoth Site the next morning. In 1974, a construction worker, George Hanson, unearthed unusual bones while the area was being prepared for a new subdivision.
The weather looked quite ominous at times, but we always seemed to be either in front of it or it had already passed over us
Made it South Dakota. This is Joe's response to "smile". The silver object around his neck was a device connected with his hearing aids. It could cut out background noise and also worked as a volume control.
We talked about how Derek would love this train and the others we saw at Siding 7.
One of the old buildings in Hot Springs...
After dinner we drove around this picturesque town and decided that there was just too much to see and that we'd come back another weekend to explore the area. Called Minnekahta (warm waters) by the original white settlers in 1879, the town's name was changed to Hot Springs in 1886. Earlier, the Lakota and the Cheyenne Indian tribes fought for control of the natural warm waters. Legends tell of a hostile encounter waged in the hills high above the gurgling springs on a peak called Battle Mountain.
A Messenger arrived from the Great West with news of a wonderful water which, he said, had been touched by the finger of the Great Spirit and would cure all manner of diseases. Indians came to these springs by the thousands.
After a lapse of more than 200 years, the Cheyenne took possession of the springs and built an immense tipi city covering hundreds of acres.
In the following years, the Sioux migrated west and disputed the ownership of the springs. This culminated in a fierce conflict in about 1869, the memory of which is preserved in the name of the eminence to the east, Battle Mountain, where the besieged Cheyenne established fortifications. The Sioux won the battle and possession of the springs which they called wi-wi-la-kah-to (Springs - hot). They called the area Minnekahta (Water - hot) and termed the Black Hills a great "Medicine Home".
Battle Mountain History After the Battle Mountain fight, tradition says the Sioux and Cheyenne agreed to allow the springs to be a health sanctuary to give their sick and lame the benefit of the healing waters. Around 1880, pioneers began to settle the area.
My mind is and has been so full of thoughts over the course of these last several weeks. I wish I'd had the strength of mind and body to have written the many things that have crossed through my mind in hopes that one day I could sort everything out and have a better understanding of what I've experienced. Unfortunately, I was not able to do so. This writing and those before and those to come after pertaining to Joe's death are the best I can do to make up for my lack of recording my thoughts. It's very important to me that I do this. It seems it's the only way that I can come to some way to understand what has happened. There will be a randomness to the writings.
I have laid in bed wishing and praying for sleep and some type of rest, but it has been so elusive on many occasions. With all the endless supply of thoughts, I find myself getting up at the oddest of hours of the night looking for some thing that comes into my mind. It may be a picture, a piece of paper which could contain something Joe wrote to me, it's been looking for something on the Internet to listen to such as a particular song, or a talk. I've been looking for answers to quell the raging tsunami of thoughts that just won't stop. Many times I leave my office looking like a robber has gone through drawers and files searching for hidden treasure and left with a mess in his wake.
I am searching for answers and comfort.
I have laid in bed wishing and praying for sleep and some type of rest, but it has been so elusive on many occasions. With all the endless supply of thoughts, I find myself getting up at the oddest of hours of the night looking for some thing that comes into my mind. It may be a picture, a piece of paper which could contain something Joe wrote to me, it's been looking for something on the Internet to listen to such as a particular song, or a talk. I've been looking for answers to quell the raging tsunami of thoughts that just won't stop. Many times I leave my office looking like a robber has gone through drawers and files searching for hidden treasure and left with a mess in his wake.
I am searching for answers and comfort.
The Grief Journey - Anxiety/Physical Symptoms
The experts say that the next stage of grieving is anxiety. This is when your head and heart begin to miss the person who died, when you may naturally feel anxious. You may feel anxious about everyday realities, such as work and finances. You may even panic as you think through the repercussions of this death.
Boy did the experts have it right. I remember having a panic attack one evening when the kids were here. I believe it was at the end of the day after Nikki and I had gone to the Social Security office to begin processing my widow's benefits paperwork. That evening I went into my office and sat down and started putting together a listing of monthly expenses and what my new income would be. I panicked! Would I be able to stay in our home? Would I make enough money at my job to make my monthly expenses? Would I have to get another job or a different job to just survive every month? It seemed as though my life was going to become even much harder. The kids did make a deal with Leonard Landlord though and got my rent reduced by $200 per month, so that was definitely going to help.
Experts also say that you may also experience physiological changes as part of the grief process. Among the most common physical responses to loss are trouble with sleeping and low energy. You may have trouble geeting to sleep or you may wake up early in the morning and have trouble getting back to sleep. You may also find yourself feeling more tired than usual.
Someone definitely knew what they were talking about. For about the first six weeks I went to bed very, very early in the morning in the wee hours, but woke up at 3:00 a.m. almost on the dot every morning. Going to bed and trying to sleep was almost an impossibility because my mind wouldn't turn off with all the thoughts that just kept coming. And, I was missing being able to crawl into bed and snuggle up next to Joe.
Boy did the experts have it right. I remember having a panic attack one evening when the kids were here. I believe it was at the end of the day after Nikki and I had gone to the Social Security office to begin processing my widow's benefits paperwork. That evening I went into my office and sat down and started putting together a listing of monthly expenses and what my new income would be. I panicked! Would I be able to stay in our home? Would I make enough money at my job to make my monthly expenses? Would I have to get another job or a different job to just survive every month? It seemed as though my life was going to become even much harder. The kids did make a deal with Leonard Landlord though and got my rent reduced by $200 per month, so that was definitely going to help.
Experts also say that you may also experience physiological changes as part of the grief process. Among the most common physical responses to loss are trouble with sleeping and low energy. You may have trouble geeting to sleep or you may wake up early in the morning and have trouble getting back to sleep. You may also find yourself feeling more tired than usual.
Someone definitely knew what they were talking about. For about the first six weeks I went to bed very, very early in the morning in the wee hours, but woke up at 3:00 a.m. almost on the dot every morning. Going to bed and trying to sleep was almost an impossibility because my mind wouldn't turn off with all the thoughts that just kept coming. And, I was missing being able to crawl into bed and snuggle up next to Joe.
Aftermath - Tuesday Into Wednesday
No one will ever know how it felt for me to leave that hospital room and leave Joe there. No one will ever know because they didn't live with Joe, they weren't married to Joe and they didn't love Joe they way I do. I've never lost a parent, but I have lost people who meant a great deal to me such as Aunt Rachel and Mr. Bill and my grandparents. But those losses to not even begin to match how I felt when Joe died.
He was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, the man who saved my life and made me understand what true love meant. It was so hard to just go off and leave him lying in that hospital bed looking like he was just napping and knowing that we would never have another conversation together, that he would never make me laugh again and that I would never have his face in my hands again to cup and kiss. At least not here on this earth and it might be a very long time before I ever saw him.
I don't remember how I got home. I think I do remember Marla taking me back to the hotel so that I could gather my things, including B.J. and then driving myself home. I do remember that after that point, I was never left alone. There was always someone at the house and sometimes multiple peoples. It stayed that way even until the kids arrived about 2:00 a.m. the next morning. Food was brought in and attempts made for me to eat, but I only remember it all just being a blur and living in what felt like a very, very bad dream. The happiest part of the nightmare was when the kids finally arrived. It was such a relief just to sit back and watch them take over.
Later that day, Corey and I went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for Joe. Joe and I had already decided that cremation was going to take place for a couple of reasons - 1) financially it was much better and since I was never able to secure any type of life insurance for Joe because of his past medical history, finances were going to be a issue. 2) I most likely won't remain in Casper all the remaining part of my life and I didn't feel comfortable having Joe buried here and me no longer in the city. The arrangements went well and it certainly was a comfort having Corey there with me. I was told that Joe's body had been returned from Denver where he had been sent for the harvesting of vital skin tissue.
He was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, the man who saved my life and made me understand what true love meant. It was so hard to just go off and leave him lying in that hospital bed looking like he was just napping and knowing that we would never have another conversation together, that he would never make me laugh again and that I would never have his face in my hands again to cup and kiss. At least not here on this earth and it might be a very long time before I ever saw him.
I don't remember how I got home. I think I do remember Marla taking me back to the hotel so that I could gather my things, including B.J. and then driving myself home. I do remember that after that point, I was never left alone. There was always someone at the house and sometimes multiple peoples. It stayed that way even until the kids arrived about 2:00 a.m. the next morning. Food was brought in and attempts made for me to eat, but I only remember it all just being a blur and living in what felt like a very, very bad dream. The happiest part of the nightmare was when the kids finally arrived. It was such a relief just to sit back and watch them take over.
Later that day, Corey and I went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for Joe. Joe and I had already decided that cremation was going to take place for a couple of reasons - 1) financially it was much better and since I was never able to secure any type of life insurance for Joe because of his past medical history, finances were going to be a issue. 2) I most likely won't remain in Casper all the remaining part of my life and I didn't feel comfortable having Joe buried here and me no longer in the city. The arrangements went well and it certainly was a comfort having Corey there with me. I was told that Joe's body had been returned from Denver where he had been sent for the harvesting of vital skin tissue.
I pray for comfort from pain, Father, not the lessening of the love that causes it.
11:04 A.M.
Joe died at 11:04 a.m. on May 29th, 2012.
After giving the okay to remove him from life support, Joe peacefully stopped breathing after a very short period of time.
I remember telling him that entire morning how much I loved him. I remember saying so many times, "please, please, please let this just be a bad dream." "Please let him open his eyes. Please let me hear him say something to me." But he never did. I was told by his nurse, Michael, to keep talking to him because it's thought that hearing is the last thing to go and I wanted Joe to know how much I loved him. And I did so very, very much.
I don't remember who all was in the room when he died. I do remember Connie and Roger and Sadie and the Bishop and Cordell. I do remember the awful grief and pain I felt. I felt as though my heart was literally breaking knowing that Joe wouldn't be coming home with me this time. That this time was his last time he'd ever be in the hospital, that he would no longer be with me.
I do remember everyone all leaving the room. I was alone except for Michael who arranged a pillow under Joe's arm so that the blood wouldn't pool into his fingers and he moved the bed rails so that I could be closer to him. Then I was all alone with Joe or so I thought until a few weeks later when I discovered this picture on my telephone.
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When I saw it, I began to cry because it brought back such a special memory of holding Joe's hand for the last time. I just didn't know where it came from. Had I taken it? I didn't remember it. When I called Marla the day I found it, she told me that she was the one who'd taken it. She'd done a similar picture after her husband had died and got a lot of comfort for it. What a special gift for me to have and remember.
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Sometime during all this confusion I did speak with Corey and they were on their way. I also spoke with Brian and his family got ready and began their drive from Ohio. I called Roger and Connie, who happened to be two hours away and they came.
I also had a visit from the organ and tissue donor person and immediately signed paperwork granting them the full use of whatever they could harvest from Joe that would be of possible value to someone else. That was the easiest decision of all to make since we'd already discussed him being an organ donor.
After giving the okay to remove him from life support, Joe peacefully stopped breathing after a very short period of time.
I remember telling him that entire morning how much I loved him. I remember saying so many times, "please, please, please let this just be a bad dream." "Please let him open his eyes. Please let me hear him say something to me." But he never did. I was told by his nurse, Michael, to keep talking to him because it's thought that hearing is the last thing to go and I wanted Joe to know how much I loved him. And I did so very, very much.
I don't remember who all was in the room when he died. I do remember Connie and Roger and Sadie and the Bishop and Cordell. I do remember the awful grief and pain I felt. I felt as though my heart was literally breaking knowing that Joe wouldn't be coming home with me this time. That this time was his last time he'd ever be in the hospital, that he would no longer be with me.
I do remember everyone all leaving the room. I was alone except for Michael who arranged a pillow under Joe's arm so that the blood wouldn't pool into his fingers and he moved the bed rails so that I could be closer to him. Then I was all alone with Joe or so I thought until a few weeks later when I discovered this picture on my telephone.
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When I saw it, I began to cry because it brought back such a special memory of holding Joe's hand for the last time. I just didn't know where it came from. Had I taken it? I didn't remember it. When I called Marla the day I found it, she told me that she was the one who'd taken it. She'd done a similar picture after her husband had died and got a lot of comfort for it. What a special gift for me to have and remember.
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Sometime during all this confusion I did speak with Corey and they were on their way. I also spoke with Brian and his family got ready and began their drive from Ohio. I called Roger and Connie, who happened to be two hours away and they came.
I also had a visit from the organ and tissue donor person and immediately signed paperwork granting them the full use of whatever they could harvest from Joe that would be of possible value to someone else. That was the easiest decision of all to make since we'd already discussed him being an organ donor.
The Journey of Grief - Part 2
The experts say...After the death of someone loved, you may feel a sense of ongoing confusion. It's like being in the middle of a wild, rushing river where you can't get ahold of anything. Disconnected thought race through your mind and you may be unable to complete any tasks.
When I arrived at the hospital, I was taken to a chair outside of the treatment room unable to see Joe immediately. According to my cell phone log, I called Marla at 5:00 a.m. and asked her to come - telling her that Joe was dying. She came and she held my hand and cradled me and loved me. Somewhere, sometime, she had contacted the Bishop and he and Cordell showed up. When I did see Joe, he was wired and plugged up to so many, many machines and unconscious. He was able to have a final priesthood blessing given to him by Cordell who was our friend, our home teacher and someone who dearly loved Joe and did anything and everything I'd ever asked him to do to help with Joe. I remember sitting next to Marla, holding hands, while the blessing was given. I heard nothing of it though due to the noises in his room and my crying. I just knew though that Joe was truly in God's hands at this point and I knew it was very, very serious. I just knew that my mind could not and did not want to comprehend what was happening. But, I knew Joe was in good hands and that I was too.
Eventually he was moved to the ICU. I sat next to his bed and held his hand. When I kissed it one time, his head came up and his eyes opened and I just knew the priesthood blessing had healed him. But sadly, I was informed it was not a sign of healing, but rather his brain starving for air and this was something like a muscle reflex. They eventually became so frequent and detrimental to him that a body paralyzing medication was given.
It was originally thought that perhaps there might be some recovery and discussion was spoken about putting him into a cooling coma for 24 hours to determine if his brain would be functional. However, just before that procedure was put into place, a mini miracle took place. His cardiologist - Dr. Novick, his neurologist - Dr. Wheeler and his nephrologist - Dr. Cotant all happened to have been on the same floor, at the same time and all heard about Joe and came to check on him. Dr. Novick ran a program tape connected with Joe's pacemaker to determine how long he'd been without oxygen and compare it with the 911 records. It was determined that Joe had died approximately 1 minute before I entered the room and that he'd gone for several minutes without oxygen. Therefore, if he did happen to regain consciousness, he would in all likelihood be in a vegetative state and unable to care for himself.
So, a consultation took place between these three doctors who had cared for Joe many times in the last two years, as well as the admitting doctor. They then came to me and told me that there recommendation would be to take him off life support. I looked at each one of them in the eye and asked them that if that was their husband or their father lying there would they do that and each one nodded or said yes.
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I came to realize on that day how fortunate the mini-miracle was regarding the doctors. But I also remembered a saying that I'd heard many years ago which is...
When I arrived at the hospital, I was taken to a chair outside of the treatment room unable to see Joe immediately. According to my cell phone log, I called Marla at 5:00 a.m. and asked her to come - telling her that Joe was dying. She came and she held my hand and cradled me and loved me. Somewhere, sometime, she had contacted the Bishop and he and Cordell showed up. When I did see Joe, he was wired and plugged up to so many, many machines and unconscious. He was able to have a final priesthood blessing given to him by Cordell who was our friend, our home teacher and someone who dearly loved Joe and did anything and everything I'd ever asked him to do to help with Joe. I remember sitting next to Marla, holding hands, while the blessing was given. I heard nothing of it though due to the noises in his room and my crying. I just knew though that Joe was truly in God's hands at this point and I knew it was very, very serious. I just knew that my mind could not and did not want to comprehend what was happening. But, I knew Joe was in good hands and that I was too.
Eventually he was moved to the ICU. I sat next to his bed and held his hand. When I kissed it one time, his head came up and his eyes opened and I just knew the priesthood blessing had healed him. But sadly, I was informed it was not a sign of healing, but rather his brain starving for air and this was something like a muscle reflex. They eventually became so frequent and detrimental to him that a body paralyzing medication was given.
It was originally thought that perhaps there might be some recovery and discussion was spoken about putting him into a cooling coma for 24 hours to determine if his brain would be functional. However, just before that procedure was put into place, a mini miracle took place. His cardiologist - Dr. Novick, his neurologist - Dr. Wheeler and his nephrologist - Dr. Cotant all happened to have been on the same floor, at the same time and all heard about Joe and came to check on him. Dr. Novick ran a program tape connected with Joe's pacemaker to determine how long he'd been without oxygen and compare it with the 911 records. It was determined that Joe had died approximately 1 minute before I entered the room and that he'd gone for several minutes without oxygen. Therefore, if he did happen to regain consciousness, he would in all likelihood be in a vegetative state and unable to care for himself.
So, a consultation took place between these three doctors who had cared for Joe many times in the last two years, as well as the admitting doctor. They then came to me and told me that there recommendation would be to take him off life support. I looked at each one of them in the eye and asked them that if that was their husband or their father lying there would they do that and each one nodded or said yes.
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I came to realize on that day how fortunate the mini-miracle was regarding the doctors. But I also remembered a saying that I'd heard many years ago which is...
There is no such thing as coincidence. It's just God's way of remaining anonymous.
The Journey of Grief
Joe died. He was my eternal companion, the person whom I shared my life with, my best friend and now I am beginning a journey that is sometimes frightening, very painful and lonely. I have lost a part of myself. I'm sure that in time I will "feel better." But first, I know I must express my grief and also mourn. I never realized there was a difference before. It seems strange with all the things we are required to learn and know in life, that society avoids educating us about grief and mourning. The difference is...Grief is the feeling that one has typically due to a loss, while mourning is the process/action one takes to deal with the loss. Grief is within ones self and mourning is displayed outward. I know that I also need to mourn that when I need to cry, I will do so.
I am grieving for the way my life used to be with Joe and also trying to move forward. I realize that my grief is unique because no one else had the same relationship that I had with Joe. My grief is influenced by the circumstances surrounding his sudden death. I am the only one who was in that hotel room that made the decisions that I made to try and save his life. His life was in my hands and I still couldn't save him or offer comfort to him and I'm the one who is trying to cope with that each and every day!
One of the first emotions associated with grief is shock. The experts on grief say that a person may feel dazed and stunned, expecially durint the time immediately following the death. This feeling is nature's way of protecting you from and over-whelming reality. You may experience heart palitations, queasiness, stomach pains or dizziness. You may also find yourself crying hysterically or screaming angrily. These behaviors help you survive during this extraordinarily difficult time. Translated this means that I felt like I was living a bad dream, a nightmare that I was not been able to wake up from. It came across as being something so surreal that it made me feel as though it was an outer body experience. That all began on May 29, 2012 at 4:30 a.m.
We were staying at the Sleep Inn in Casper. Our home had been flooded by a leaking water heater and the insurance company had allowed us to stay in a hotel. We'd come home from a wonderful weekend in the Black Hills of South Dakota and both of us had gone to sleep in our own separate queen-sized beds, with B.J. The Dog sleeping with Joe.
I remember Joe waking me up around 12:30 a.m. when he went to the bathroom - making noise, leaving the bathroom light on, etc. I got up and stuck some earplugs in my ears so that I could sleep as I had to go to work in a few hours and he would be going to dialysis. I went back to sleep and around 4:30 a.m., I was suddenly awakened when I heard Joe yelling and yelling and yelling. I took the earplugs out of my ears and yelled to him, "Joe, wake up! Wake up"! There were many times Joe would have nightmares and he would thrash around and yell and I would have to wake him up. However, this time he yelled "I'm not asleep! I can't get off the bed"! I told him to calm down and lower his voice before he woke everyone up and I'd help him get up. I pulled him to the side of the bed and sat him up. That's when I noticed him holding his chest and breathing as he'd done in the past when he'd had pneumonia. I even said to him that I thought I needed to take him to the emergency room because it sounded has though he had it again. He told me he just wanted to get to the bathroom and so I helped him walk there as he was very, very unsteady. I sat him on the toilet and since B.J. was needing to go outside, I told Joe I'd be right back.
In just a few minutes, B.J. and I came back into the hotel and when I opened up the room door, there was Joe lying collapsed halfway between the bathroom and the space right by the door. His "diaper" was halfway pulled up and all the items on the bathroom shelf had been swiped off onto the floor. He was not responsive in any way. I thought it might be low blood sugar, but hurried and called 911 immediately. The operator would not let me go to Joe. The phone cord only stretched so far and I kept screaming out Joe's name. The only help to Joe at this time was that B.J. had gone and laid down next to Joe.
I don't know how the medical personnel got into the room - by me or the hotel staff, I only know that suddenly the room was filled with people. I sat on the end of Joe's bed and remember holding my hands over my face and rocking back and forth praying, "Oh, God, oh God, oh God". I told them he was diabetic, to check his blood sugar and they told me "No ma'am, it's his heart". Joe had no pulse. But, the EMT's had started CPR as soon as they could and administered medications. How could it have been his heart! Joe had just done a routine follow-up on April 9th with Dr. Novick on his pacemaker and then had had an echo cardiogram done two days later. Another appointment was on April 23rd to get the results of the echo was showed his heart fine except for some thickness in his valves due to his high blood pressure. Another appointment with another cardiologist was on May 1st because it had been discovered that Joe had atrial fibrillation which meant his heart rate was irregular. Medication had not regulated it so an out patient procedure known as a TEE/Cardioversion was scheduled for May 23rd - two days before we were leaving for South Dakota. The procedure took place - they stopped his heart and it took three times shocking it for it to return to normal rhythm. However, it was discovered it had lapsed back into afib by dialysis the next morning. New medication would be tried once again.
So, as I'm sitting on the bed one of the EMT's turns to me and asks "Do you want us to stop?" I yelled back to them "No, no, no!" I sat on that bed and watched them struggle to save Joe's life. I saw them shock him. I saw things I don't ever want to experience ever again. They finally did get a pulse and took him to the hospital. A police officer drove me and the hotel took care of B.J.
I am grieving for the way my life used to be with Joe and also trying to move forward. I realize that my grief is unique because no one else had the same relationship that I had with Joe. My grief is influenced by the circumstances surrounding his sudden death. I am the only one who was in that hotel room that made the decisions that I made to try and save his life. His life was in my hands and I still couldn't save him or offer comfort to him and I'm the one who is trying to cope with that each and every day!
One of the first emotions associated with grief is shock. The experts on grief say that a person may feel dazed and stunned, expecially durint the time immediately following the death. This feeling is nature's way of protecting you from and over-whelming reality. You may experience heart palitations, queasiness, stomach pains or dizziness. You may also find yourself crying hysterically or screaming angrily. These behaviors help you survive during this extraordinarily difficult time. Translated this means that I felt like I was living a bad dream, a nightmare that I was not been able to wake up from. It came across as being something so surreal that it made me feel as though it was an outer body experience. That all began on May 29, 2012 at 4:30 a.m.
We were staying at the Sleep Inn in Casper. Our home had been flooded by a leaking water heater and the insurance company had allowed us to stay in a hotel. We'd come home from a wonderful weekend in the Black Hills of South Dakota and both of us had gone to sleep in our own separate queen-sized beds, with B.J. The Dog sleeping with Joe.
I remember Joe waking me up around 12:30 a.m. when he went to the bathroom - making noise, leaving the bathroom light on, etc. I got up and stuck some earplugs in my ears so that I could sleep as I had to go to work in a few hours and he would be going to dialysis. I went back to sleep and around 4:30 a.m., I was suddenly awakened when I heard Joe yelling and yelling and yelling. I took the earplugs out of my ears and yelled to him, "Joe, wake up! Wake up"! There were many times Joe would have nightmares and he would thrash around and yell and I would have to wake him up. However, this time he yelled "I'm not asleep! I can't get off the bed"! I told him to calm down and lower his voice before he woke everyone up and I'd help him get up. I pulled him to the side of the bed and sat him up. That's when I noticed him holding his chest and breathing as he'd done in the past when he'd had pneumonia. I even said to him that I thought I needed to take him to the emergency room because it sounded has though he had it again. He told me he just wanted to get to the bathroom and so I helped him walk there as he was very, very unsteady. I sat him on the toilet and since B.J. was needing to go outside, I told Joe I'd be right back.
In just a few minutes, B.J. and I came back into the hotel and when I opened up the room door, there was Joe lying collapsed halfway between the bathroom and the space right by the door. His "diaper" was halfway pulled up and all the items on the bathroom shelf had been swiped off onto the floor. He was not responsive in any way. I thought it might be low blood sugar, but hurried and called 911 immediately. The operator would not let me go to Joe. The phone cord only stretched so far and I kept screaming out Joe's name. The only help to Joe at this time was that B.J. had gone and laid down next to Joe.
I don't know how the medical personnel got into the room - by me or the hotel staff, I only know that suddenly the room was filled with people. I sat on the end of Joe's bed and remember holding my hands over my face and rocking back and forth praying, "Oh, God, oh God, oh God". I told them he was diabetic, to check his blood sugar and they told me "No ma'am, it's his heart". Joe had no pulse. But, the EMT's had started CPR as soon as they could and administered medications. How could it have been his heart! Joe had just done a routine follow-up on April 9th with Dr. Novick on his pacemaker and then had had an echo cardiogram done two days later. Another appointment was on April 23rd to get the results of the echo was showed his heart fine except for some thickness in his valves due to his high blood pressure. Another appointment with another cardiologist was on May 1st because it had been discovered that Joe had atrial fibrillation which meant his heart rate was irregular. Medication had not regulated it so an out patient procedure known as a TEE/Cardioversion was scheduled for May 23rd - two days before we were leaving for South Dakota. The procedure took place - they stopped his heart and it took three times shocking it for it to return to normal rhythm. However, it was discovered it had lapsed back into afib by dialysis the next morning. New medication would be tried once again.
So, as I'm sitting on the bed one of the EMT's turns to me and asks "Do you want us to stop?" I yelled back to them "No, no, no!" I sat on that bed and watched them struggle to save Joe's life. I saw them shock him. I saw things I don't ever want to experience ever again. They finally did get a pulse and took him to the hospital. A police officer drove me and the hotel took care of B.J.
Where To Begin?
Where to begin? Where to begin recording all the things that keep going in and out of my mind that I so desperately want to remember? There's just so much to say. I am so overwhelmed by my loss and grief at times that I feel the only way I can move on is "putting pen to paper", but it's so, so very hard. I'm sitting here right now with a box of tissues to wipe my eyes. I'm not ashamed of the crying because I'm hoping it helps release some of my pain. I had no idea I could have so many tears. And, when will I lose this lump in my throat that seems to accompany those tears and makes it so difficult to sorrow?
It's been almost three months since Joe's death. Some days it seems like forever and others it's like it happened yesterday. No matter what changes I have ever gone through in my life whether loss of jobs, the birth of Corey, loss of grandparents and other family members, sickness, divorce or whatever the change might have been, the greatest change has been the loss of Joe. It's been a painful event and sometimes I have felt as though I've not had the energy or desire to move on. It's very frightening at times, as well as overwhelming and sometimes lonely. That last sentence really helps me understand how my life changed since being married to Joe. I used to think nothing about hopping on a plane, flying and/or driving to some unknown city in another state all by myself and not feeling any type of concern about being by myself or frightened about the prospect of being alone. Eight years with Joe changed all that because we were a couple and did so much together and now he's gone.
It's been almost three months since Joe's death. Some days it seems like forever and others it's like it happened yesterday. No matter what changes I have ever gone through in my life whether loss of jobs, the birth of Corey, loss of grandparents and other family members, sickness, divorce or whatever the change might have been, the greatest change has been the loss of Joe. It's been a painful event and sometimes I have felt as though I've not had the energy or desire to move on. It's very frightening at times, as well as overwhelming and sometimes lonely. That last sentence really helps me understand how my life changed since being married to Joe. I used to think nothing about hopping on a plane, flying and/or driving to some unknown city in another state all by myself and not feeling any type of concern about being by myself or frightened about the prospect of being alone. Eight years with Joe changed all that because we were a couple and did so much together and now he's gone.
One Month
It's been exactly one month since Joe died or passed away or passed. Whatever word you use, he's gone and missing in my life. It seems really impossible that that amount of time has already come and gone. That means I've gone an entire month without seeing his face, hugging his neck, kissing his lips or snuggling up behind him when I climbed into bed. It really hurts my heart when I put it into that type of perspective. I'm learning that it really is much easier "taking it one day at a time". Even when those days have been expanded to "it's been one week", "it's been two weeks", etc. that hadn't and didn't hit me as hard as realizing that a full month has passed.
Some things remain as they did at the beginning of this counted month. I still cry every night while saying my final prayer of the day. I still can't sleep on Joe's side of the bed - each morning I technically make only half a bed. I still go to bed late and when I do, I lie awake thinking or remembering so many things about Joe. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss his sweet last puckered kiss of the night. I miss wrapping my arm around his chest and falling asleep. I still wake up each morning around 3:00 a.m. for some strange reason - it doesn't matter if I've taken something to try and help me sleep or if I've just climbed into bed a scant few hours before.
I'm not going to lie - being left behind by someone you love sucks. It matters not that I understand the Plan of Salvation and that I have faith in the things I've been taught about being reunited with my loved one one day. I'm human. I loved Joe and I am now without him. My chest has physically hurt from the pain I feel in my heart. There is a loneliness in my soul knowing there are no more conversations or experiences to be shared with him. There are no more dumb jokes or useless trivia to make me laugh with him. Things that I took forgranted I wish I hadn't. I've said I wish I could at least have a rewind on the last full day we had together even knowing what the outcome would be. Oh how I'd love that chance - not to change everything, but just to be more loving and attentive in those last few hours.
What a blessing it would be just to be able to hold that sweet man's face in my hands one more time. I'd love to look into his beautiful blue eyes, tell him how much I love him and get one last kiss.
It's been exactly one month since Joe died, but I've made it...one day at a time and tomorrow will be another one of those days.
Some things remain as they did at the beginning of this counted month. I still cry every night while saying my final prayer of the day. I still can't sleep on Joe's side of the bed - each morning I technically make only half a bed. I still go to bed late and when I do, I lie awake thinking or remembering so many things about Joe. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss his sweet last puckered kiss of the night. I miss wrapping my arm around his chest and falling asleep. I still wake up each morning around 3:00 a.m. for some strange reason - it doesn't matter if I've taken something to try and help me sleep or if I've just climbed into bed a scant few hours before.
I'm not going to lie - being left behind by someone you love sucks. It matters not that I understand the Plan of Salvation and that I have faith in the things I've been taught about being reunited with my loved one one day. I'm human. I loved Joe and I am now without him. My chest has physically hurt from the pain I feel in my heart. There is a loneliness in my soul knowing there are no more conversations or experiences to be shared with him. There are no more dumb jokes or useless trivia to make me laugh with him. Things that I took forgranted I wish I hadn't. I've said I wish I could at least have a rewind on the last full day we had together even knowing what the outcome would be. Oh how I'd love that chance - not to change everything, but just to be more loving and attentive in those last few hours.
What a blessing it would be just to be able to hold that sweet man's face in my hands one more time. I'd love to look into his beautiful blue eyes, tell him how much I love him and get one last kiss.
It's been exactly one month since Joe died, but I've made it...one day at a time and tomorrow will be another one of those days.
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