The Best Laid Plans

I've found out that generally it does no good to make plans.  I make appointments to meet with friends or do something, with or without Joe, and then BOOM! out of no where all those plans change.  Sometimes happens to Joe and everything comes to a halt.  I've almost gotten to the point that I don't want to make plans at all.

My life revolves around Joe and his conditions.  I'm kinda getting used to it though.Whenever I do schedule something or am asked to attend an event, I always answer "Lord willing and the creek don't rise and all goes well with Joe..."  I can't count on anything happening for a certainty.  Everything is contingent on Joe.  Everyday, everyone, including me, contends with the daily "what might could happens".  We work our normal lives around the weather, car troubles, our work, etc.  We all have uncertainty in our lives, but when so much of my uncertainty comes because of Joe, it becomes doubly frustrating and maddening at times. 

The changes in plans often cause me to feel resentful and irritated at Joe - though I realize he's not doing any of this on purpose.  I remember that last year I had purchased tickets for us to attend the regional Professional Bullrider's competition in our city.  I love bullriding and was thrilled with the prospect of watching it live and in person and very near the bottom of the stands.  I was psyched!  I had asked Joe if he needed to use the restoom before walking so far down to the bottom.  No, he said he was fine.  Within a few minutes just as the lights dimmed, he needed to go and I had to help walk him up those dark steps.  Then some minutes after returning again, he needed to go again.  When he was ready to be seated again, I told him "no, let's just go"!  I was not going to keep walking up and down those steps and was missing the rodeo anyway - so we left.  Yes, I was upset.  I had looked forward to this night for several weeks and now I was not going to experience it.

I've arranged to have lunch with girlfriends and have taken Joe with me - because of guilt and necessity when I didn't want to.

I've not attended evening parties or get-togethers because I felt I needed to be with Joe.  I've missed so many baby or bridal showers or evening Relief Society meetings.  I think I've written somewhere else that I dropped out of a photography class I wanted to take so badly because of the guilt of having someone stay with him on those nights.  Even church attendance is not regular when I so desperately need that quiet comfortable feeling of peace.  We make plans to attend, but then Joe's physical condition may not be conducive to attendance.  Or, we make go only to have to leave.

Yes, uncertainty is part of life.  I am going to have to learn to make my plans and just keep being flexible (and forgiving) enough to make adjustments as needed.