Pick My Battles

"You've got to learn to pick your battles.  Especially since Joe will be going to see someone who will be paid to listen to his problems and his side of the story and you won't be there.  If Joe does or doesn't do some things that it would be better to not point out, then just let it go rather than start what he perceives to be a fight".  This was the great advice given to me by Marla.

I have got to start looking for the positives and not the negatives in Joe.  I should realize this all by now, but I'm hard-headed and stubborn, I suppose.

Marla said I've also become very angry at Joe.  I realize that and I agree.  I am angry at him.  He has been solely responsible for the biggest changes in my life.  He has basically been in control one way or another, and frustrated and I'm tired of it and feel my life is not mine anymore.  I wanted this year to be different, but thus far it doesn't seem to have improved.

I did hear it, and was told several times, that if Joe should ever hurt me again, threaten to hurt me, make veil threats about hurting himself, attempt to hurt himself or any like comment or action, that I am to call the non-emergency police department number.  No excuses!  Hopefully, it will never get to that.

The thing that was the hardest to digest and swallow was when Joe turned to me in the intake office and said:

Joe:  If I'm going to do this, I think there should be a level playing field.
Me:  What do you mean?
Joe:  Well don't you think you're part of the problem?
Me:  I've never said that I was perfect, that I don't yell or get upset with you.  But, this is for you to figure out what's going on.  Besides, your treatment is paid for.  I don't have insurance nor can I afford to pay.

Marla did point out later that it should be remembered "it wasn't me that had Joe's head pinned to the couch cushion hurting him".  I've never attempted to strangle him or hurt him physically. 

I KNOW I've got to get a grip on circumstances, and soon.  I cannot continue to live my life as I am doing it now.  I'm hoping that with his new medications and my having six hours on Saturdays free from Joe, that I will begin to feel some rejuvenation and hope.