I've Changed

I realize I've changed alot since I've become Joe's caregiver.  I'm not sure exactly how and when I started noticing the change, but I know that I'm definitely not the same.  I do know, too, that I will never be the same person that I was before.  This is very sad to me.  To know that many times it seems as though my former life belongs to someone else other than me.  It's almost like having an out of body experience and looking back on myself and my previous experiences.

My changes can be a good thing.  I've learned a lot.  I've learned I'm a lot stronger in certain ways.  I've found that I can do things I never thought possible.  A few of my opinions have changed - especially those opinions I was formulating about my dad and his care to my mom.  Now I understand why he set certain parameters for her to live by, i.e., going to be at a certain time every night; I understand his loss of patience and understand at times; I definitely understand his frustration at her lack of doing many things.  Most especially I do recognize his immense love for her.  Believe me, if you didn't love the person you are caring for, you wouldn't do it!  It's a tireless, thankless job filled with no sleep, no alone time, no real conversation nor communication between you and the person you love and married.  I've learned to be even more resourceful.  I've learned that I can stand on my own, when necessary.  I've learned who I can count on and who I can't.  I am still learning that I can't do eveything myself and if not now, sometime in the future I will have to rely upon and ask others for help.

I've gotten tougher in some ways and softer in others.  These changes haven't come easily and didn't happen all at one time.  I've had to give up so much along the way.  Things that really mattered to me.  I can't do everything I used to do and now would love to do.  I could make a list of all the changes in me, but then I might wind up feeling really sorry for myself and really mourn those losses.

I do know that I've felt so angry at Joe at times for putting me in this situation.  I want back the man I married!  I want back the man who used to write my love poems, who prepared dinner for me, who made love to me, the man who made me genuinely laugh everyday, the man who could take care of himself by selecting his clothing and dress without assistance from me - I miss and mourn for that man.  But, I love this man too.  I've seen him cry because he mourns for his lost past; he's cried because he knows what he's done to me and he says he's so sorry; I've seen him cry from frustration of not being able to remember something, find his glasses, not be able to walk without falling - I think we miss each other.